If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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