No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
