My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i barfeds in our rink
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
