we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
