highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
