I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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