I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
