I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
