The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
