Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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