there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
