I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
