I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
