You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
