Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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