just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
