Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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