do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
