My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
