I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
God, I missed his penis.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
