I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
