best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He? As in you personified your dick?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
