she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I need a beard to bite.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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