And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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