Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
