are you still at the devil's house?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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