I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
