I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
