Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
