The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
