We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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