I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
