Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
