She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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