So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
