So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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