I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
