Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
