They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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