I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
