my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
This house was built for laser tag.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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