I'm going to jail i love you
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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