Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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