I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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