my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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