Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
