i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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