Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize