saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize