Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
