I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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