like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
