Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We got so high we made milksteak
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
