did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
