The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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