so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
