Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
