The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
