Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
