she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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