I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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