Where did you get a picture of my penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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