He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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